As I am writing this it is 3:58 am and soon it will be 4 am. I should be asleep. I’m not sure why I always stay up so late. But I felt like writing something- I’m not sure what that something is but I guess we’ll find out. Today is the beginning of the four month of this year. Wow. This year has already flown past me. Yesterday was actually the beginning of my *official* third quarter at the circus and I could not be more happy, excited, and at ease. I am so ready to go through and work my butt off this quarter with God by my side. I am finally seeing that I can actually do this “design stuff” and that I am improving. And these are some of the best feelings. But aside from my school life I am excited with what God is starting to do with my church. And specifically the teens at my church. I know this is just the beginning of something grand and that one day we will look back at these times with wonder in our eyes to see how something great formed out of “nothing”. I wish I had more to say- but I’ll end this short post on this note: God is so gracious and merciful and he NEVER ceases to amaze me. With his kind and gentle nature. With his delicate and fiery passionate love. With his heart that is so full of compassion. I aspire to grow in his love day by day. And I hope I can grow in the purpose that he has for my life because I know it has to be something grand and marvelous. And I know for a fact that I could never imagine what he has planned and that has me so excited for what the future has to bring. I hope that this year has started off on a good note for all of you guys- and that you see your seeds start to harvest in this season.
In the midst of chaos was when I was found.
When the static & noise of the world hushed into a hum.
And the fluttering of my reckless heart steadied to a buzz.
I ran towards a resplendent luminous light & suddenly I felt a warmth that was encompassing.
My heart and my brain could not choose a single emotion to stand on.
I felt at home, I felt at peace, and all at once I knew, that it was HE
So content, so happy, and so grateful with how my life is right now. So grateful for the life God has given me and I feel genuine happiness and peace. So grateful for God, my family, my friends, and the school that I go to. I sincerely could not ask for anything more. I feel so at ease with life. I feel as though I am floating(cheesy I know, but seriously), I do not feel heavy or weighted down, and this is the best feeling I’ve ever felt. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I truly love my life, life is so good. I remember the days where I hated life, where I would just wish the the ground would take me in. I remember how the days used to drag on and they seemed to be, but a dull grey. I did not find joy in the everyday life, but I truly feel that I do now. I’m not sure what has changed inside of me that has caused this sudden revelation, but I am just so grateful that it has. I am just loving where God is taking me right now. I am loving this process and journey that he is taking me through. I have grown so much in this past year it’s insane. It’s insane to think back to how things were just one year ago. I am not going to deny that there have been rough patches along the way to get to the place that I am at now, but I feel as though they have just taught me how to be even more grateful towards times like these. They have taught me to really appreciate every moment. I feel like I am flourishing and growing, and those two things are some of the best feelings in the world. I am so happy with how this year is starting out. I am so grateful towards God. I am so grateful that out of all the times I have left, abandoned, and forgotten about him- He has never forgotten me, he has never left my side- not even once. And for that I am eternally grateful. I am so in awe at how good God truly is and especially how He is towards me. My whole life has been so full of grace. God’s grace has truly been with me from the way beginning of my life to now. I love looking back on my life because I can see his hand in everything and I can see how good he has been to me. I can see how everything has worked out in the end. I can see how when I thought things were falling apart, they were actually coming together. And I just want to be this grateful and even more so for the rest of my life. I do not once want to take if for granted. I do not want to ever be consumed with success, but rather consumed with the one who has allowed that success to be a reality in my life. I want to forever be grounded and firm in where I have grown and flourished.
A year ago today I started school at the Creative Circus, last year on the 5th of January I walked into my first class. I remember that I didn’t know exactly what I was getting myself into. Little did I know how much I would learn and go through in one year. I can remember my first day at this school, my first class was Sylvia’s intro to graphic design. I remember that each one of us in that class were so overwhelmed with everything she said we would learn and apply that quarter. We all left drowned in assignments that we would have to have completed the next time we entered that door way. I remember thinking that this was almost as much work that I completed at my last school in one whole semester. Just writing about it makes all these memories flood back and It doesn’t feel like its been a year. It feels as though it were yesterday, but at the same time it feels so far away. I can’t believe how much I’ve grown and matured this year. It’s almost crazy to think back at how I was before. I was a naive 18 year old who was fresh and ready to see what life would throw at her. And I can tell you life threw so many things my way this year. I have learned so many different lessons and things in the span of this year, but one of the things that stands out the most is: you learn from the hard times, you learn when you fall. I learned that there is beauty in the breakdown. There is beauty in the messiness and you can grow in the chaos. I have had to learn how to mature and how to figure things out on my own. I have had such a humbling year in so many aspects. I learned what it means to fail and what it feels like to not be good at what you do. I remember being on top of the world when It came to art. It was something that I could pride myself in. It was something that I was actually good at and that is one of the most satisfying feelings in the world. Little did I know how it would feel to suck at something. It humbled me and made me remember the days when I was just starting out in art. I made me remember those long hours that I would stay after school just working and working on art, practicing over and over. It helped me to remember those times when I would stay up late working on my art projects trying to get them perfect, hours with my back all crouched. It made me remember that nothing comes easily. Nothing(talent wise) is given to you, you have to go out there and work your butt off to achieve what you want to. You have to have that determination to keep on keeping on even when nothing is working out, even when everything is telling you to give up. Because I believe that if everything was given freely to us and we were automatically good at everything that we would not appreciate things as much as we do. Working hard towards something helps you appreciate every little milestone on the journey to accomplishing your major goal. So even though I may not be the best designer by any means I have learned and decided that I will savor and cherish every accomplishment and every ounce of growth that I make along the way. God has truly shown me so much this year, He has been the one who has shown me the way and the light in the darkness. He has been my rock and my refuge. He has been there for me every time I have doubted myself and all those times where I truly wanted to give up. So I will be kind to myself along this process as well because I have learned that growth will not happen overnight or when I want it to. It will happen when I least expect it to. So here’s to my second year at the Creative Circus. Here’s to all the realizations I will make, all the mistakes, all the tears I will shed, all the happy times, all the sad times, all the times of improvement, all milestones I will reach, all the friends, all the good and bad work I will create, and finally to all the growth I will make. Here’s to the 2016 school year. Here’s to all the lessons I will learn with God on my side.
Dear God, I am writing this letter to you to reflect and thank you for everything. Firstly I want to thank you for your relentless, bold, passionate, unconditional, unyielding, infinite, and fiery love you have for me. Thank you for thinking of me on that day over 2,000 years ago as you were there bleeding out on that cross. Thank you because you thought I was worth dying for. Thank you for the patience you have had towards me this year, our relationship went through many changes year and even though someday’s I wasn’t as close and present as I wished I could’ve been you never left my side. I want to thank you for never giving up on me. I want to thank you for always pouring out all of yourself onto me. Thank you for never letting your sight leave my direction. Thank you for never disregarding my cry. Thank you for being a constant in my life mean while so many other things were constantly shifting. Thank you for not being disgusted by my sinful nature even when I couldn’t even stand myself. Thank you for standing by me when I was at my worst. Thank you for holding my hand while I slowly walked towards you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for the people you placed in my life this year. Thank you for those moments of silence. Thank you for all the times you allowed me to reflect. Thank you for not comparing me to others. Thank you for being my number one fan. Thank you for believing in me and my dreams. Thank you for my friends and family. Thank you for the gifts and talents you have placed within me. Thank you because in you I am found and in you I have found my identity. So thank you for your love that always surrounds me and leaves me dumbfounded.
I apologize for neglecting my blog and not writing anything for about three months, but I’m back and I’ll try to be more consistent(Wooo)! What has worked for me in the past has been writing about topics, struggles, or even revelations that have been relevant in my life. And so something that has been biting at my neck lately has been fear. Fear for what is to come. Fear that everything won’t work out and that can be in life, relationships, and or even in my future. Fear that I’m not going to be good enough. Fear that I might fail. I know that we all have fears, I’m pretty sure it’s engrained in our human nature to have fears and doubts. And one common fear we all tend to have is the fear of the future. I remember reading something about how 90% of all the fears we make up in our heads will never even happen. And let’s just take a moment to reflect on that. Most of the time the fears we have are of the fears that we have. Our fears build up. Fear is like an angry flame that grows and grows with even the smallest amount of fuel. Fear is like a bottomless pit, that is never ending. And It’s so easy to free fall right into the traps of fear. But here’s the catch. How do we stop our fears from growing? How do we stop doubting ourselves and tripping into the traps of fear? How do we confront our fears head first? How do we even find the courage to keep on going forward? Last year at this time I was going to a liberal arts college taking my core classes to later enroll at SCAD. And well, if you knew anything about me from about when I was seven years old to seventeen/eighteen years old, it was that SCAD had always been my dream school. And when I got the chance for my art to be exhibited in SCAD I thought that, that was it, my road to SCAD was paved. My future was laid out ahead of me, but I think God thought that was too easy, too simple to be my future. I think he didn’t see me as just being a fine artist. Now Let’s fast forward to the end of my fall semester last year, I’m wrapping up all my classes, finishing my finals getting ready to transfer, but something doesn’t feel right. I start to feel hesitant about my decision to enroll at SCAD. I didn’t mention this before, but the reason I decided to take my core classes else where was because of the price. So long story short I knew that going to SCAD even after taking my core classes was still going to be quite expensive, so I tried looking at other options. I knew I wanted to pursue something in the arts and if not in the arts then something creative and so the search for my next career path was on. I remembered that during my senior year in high school one of my sister’s friends had told me about a portfolio school. At the time I had my mind set that I would be attending SCAD, but nonetheless I checked the school website out. I looked at the programs this school offered and none of them really stood out to me, besides maybe the design program, but I just put this school on the back burner. I didn’t really see myself at that school or being anything besides a fine artist. Now let’s fast forward to the end of my fall semester again. I’m currently looking for a cheaper alternative school for the creative career I’m looking to pursue and I remember the school I had looked into before. I hadn’t really even given it a chance before so I decided to look into it again. I looked at all the programs and thoroughly read through the description and decided once again that the design program was the most appealing. And so I scheduled to go and see the school. At this time I didn’t really have a clear picture or idea as to what the design program even meant. And so I’m at the open house and I instantly fall in love. I could totally see myself doing this “design” thing, but there was a small catch. The admissions lady warned me that there weren’t many students my age at this school, she told me that the average age was about twenty five, this was because most of the students who attended this school had already gotten their bachelor degrees, and at the time I was only eighteen with little–to no college experience. And I’ll be honest I didn’t think it would be that bad. Now let’s fast forward to my first week of school/quarter at this new school. It’s an understatement when I say I was completely overwhelmed. I thought being an artist would help me out in this “design” field. I thought that having older peers wouldn’t be that bad. And well I was proved wrong, but besides those blocks I learned so much in that first quarter. Being with older classmates and attending this school really forced and has forced me to mature. I am telling you this so that you will be able to understand that the “future” truly is a mysterious thing. We never know what life has in store for us. In my case I believe that God has and has had everything under control. I would’ve never seen myself where I am today, last year, but I know God knew that I’d be here all along. In moments where I was filled with fear because I couldn’t see past the present I’m sure God had a smile on his face while whispering “Just trust me”. Every time when my teachers would tell me that everything I had worked on for hours was complete and utter crap I knew that things were going to get better and I knew that things would work out. And I still don’t have everything figured out and there still are fears and there still are doubts, but the thing is when I look into my creators eye’s I instantly know that everything is going to work out. I know that it has to. My future is bright and I know it won’t be a walk in the park, but I know in the end I will look back and be amazed at seeing God’s hand in every little struggle. I will clearly see the lessons he was trying to teach me throughout each trial and hardship. So if you take anything away from this take that the future is something our human minds have no control over. And fear just is there to steal our peace(in this context). Fear is there to make sure that we aren’t enjoying our everyday life. So let’s extinguish fear out of our lives and look into our Savior’s eyes and be filled with complete and utter trust in him.
This one’s for you. Don’t wait. Don’t think that you have to “better yourself” before you accept Jesus or before you commit to a ministry. Jesus and God want you just as you are. Sins and all. I have been a Christian since my existence and God sees my sins as he sees your sins when we haven’t asked for forgiveness. You are fooling yourself if you think you have to try and fix yourself before Jesus. That’s the thing about Jesus he loves the bruised, the dirty, the aching, the “lost”. He loves to make before and after projects out of them. He’s not going to “fix” you- he’s going to transform you. So let yourself be transformed.